when i woke up in your room to find myself staring at you

i dont know why but i had a sudden panic/worry that someday we'll fall out of love with each other

i'll never wish for that to happen, in fact i dread it to bits.

i wanna love you for as long as possible :)

i guess it's paranoia again, due to past experiences and the cynic ive become

afterall ive been in and out of relationships with these 2 guys.

one who brought me immeasurable love hurt, another was a case of mismatch, a mystery that till now i still cant figure out why we can never get along. or can i say i can never get along with.

it's irritating isnt it? being a paranoid. it saddens you sometimes and it tires the people around you, unnecessarily. i dont wanna be a paranoid. i dont wanna be a burden. there im worrying excessively again. afraid of being a burden. afraid of being an irritant. argh, it's a vicious cycle!

i didnt knew my past r/s would have such a deep yet subtle effect on me. only at times when i think back on what i just did or question why i behave the way i do, did i realise what a significant impact 2 years of unhealthy r/s has done to me.

i shouldnt blame, but it's hard not to. but actually, i'm not really blaming. sometimes i just wish i've seen and experienced less of the vice of relationships..i could be less cynical, less afraid of falling out of love....could be...but not for sure.

i know i'll probably be a worrier sometimes, still. i wont push the blame for that.

actually i think i probably made you a paranoid too. haha. my bad.

i am just rambling and rambling. pardon me if i dont make sense k. heh. dont take it to heart..

hrmm..actually a part of me is pretty glad that you did what you did (haha) and left me with no choice but to leave. because without your deed, i'll most probably still be wallowing in the horrid past. without you, i dont think i'll be able to appreciate how great a guy my bf is, how lucky a girl i am.

wah i talk to TYL until dunno what to type alr.

ahhaha

cyas im so screwed up academically. :(

over the moon still :D

& is my entry very mushy? hrmm hahah.

apologies.