on the bus in korea
my mind went wild
i started to cry at such an unsuitable time
i had to stop and so pushed that thought away once again
i realised that has been what ive been doing all these while
i thought one day i must confront these thoughts and maybe even organise, put them all into words so i'll be less disoriented
of course at the same time, cry freely and safely.
but then i thought again (as usual), ive already done that havent i? except the part of penning them all down. maybe when i did that, confront my thoughts, i was still in too much of a mess and my thoughts were too raw like the pain and i just couldnt and didnt put enough closure and conclusion to these stupid bloody messy...thoughts. haha thoughts seems like a wrong word after using them so many times. but heck it i am lazy to think of another word.
k digressed. BUT then again. what for? haha. it will just happen over and over again.
even if i confront those stupid thoughts once more and cry for the whole day i will STILL be a victim of those bloody...thoughts. i will still cry. which sucks. because how can you still control my emotions when you're not even near no more?
i took too many short cuts. rushing into things. everything should have been done step by step. but everything just happened too fast and i jumped from step 1 to 3. i messed up the orders and that's why i was so damnit messed up. since then ive sort it out a little i guess, or maybe ive just adapted myself to live in mess. honestly, i dont know what i'm doing with my life. haha.
i should have been crazily angry and unforgiving, and then let the anger slowly fade to allow some forgiveness to set in. but i jumped right into forgiving and then start to feel occassional burst of intense anger, which is really bad for health. haha. ive become such a hot and bad tempered, intolerant girl. i am getting really sick of who i have become. i need to change and it's hard. sometimes i blame you for who i am now.
2 more months and im gonna get a new life.
hrm where shld i go? nus ntu or smu?
no..ntu or smu?
i was so sure of ntu but now that smu has accepted me im thinking...smu's good too.
but most prob it'll be ntu i guess.
haha.
hrm on the plane back to singapore
while in a bit of a daze this thought suddenly came to me
that in a long while more, i'll probably not be talking to any one of you anymore
you wouldnt be calling and messaging me all the time
i wouldnt be talking on the phone with so many of you
because. life goes on.
haha. yea.
some day.... there'll be complete closure to everything.
& it saddens me to know that.
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